It’s taken me forever
To put my thoughts to paper
And I recognize that these
Are tiny pensive moments
Only
Just for now that’s all
None of it means anything really
‘Cause at the end of the day
Who do these self-serving bits
Of internal musing really touch
It doesn’t matter anyway
It won’t change
A thing.
My soul is still
Aching
Still turning
Still moaning in my sleep
Still torn
Still screaming
Still weeping
Still yearning
Still denying
Still bargaining
Still hoping –
Could there be
Another dimension
Somewhere out there
And I’m actually in some
God forsaken nightmare,
I’m going to wake up
Any minute now?
On my phone there’ll
Be a text
Short and to the point
From son
Something he’d forgotten
To bring home
Bring it to him
It’d say
With the implicit understanding
I’m not to take it as
Reconciliation
No
Mother, no
Someday
But not today
Would that this were true
I’d take it to him
Like I did before
Knowing that’s one tiny
Way of saying
I’m not really
Pushing you away entirely
I’m just being free
Is all.
In this dimension
He is free
Free of everything
Free of me
Free of his worries
Free of fear
Free of wondering what to do next
Free of life itself
Free.
I am deep within recesses
Every second that I’m out there
Pretending I belong
In this world of routine
Of strangers and acquaintances
Of random people and events
Of making money
Of putting one damn foot in front of the other
Like nothing really happened
It’s uncomfortable it seems
To talk about it –
Not for me
‘Cause I feel every emotion still
On the ends of every nerve
Every cell of my body
Feels this pain and
They don’t know
That dealing with predictable
And predictably unpredictable circumstances
Takes everything I’ve got.
I am the elephant in the room
Wanting to trumpet my agony
Stop the world turning
Go back a bit before it all
Imploded
On that cold January night
I know I can’t
But I can dream
Can’t I?
There’s no panacea
No pill
No drink
No song
No words
No place
No food
No nothing
That can take this
Away from me.
Seared into my heart,
I lost my baby.
This is me now that
My baby’s gone.
This is me
Now.
Catherine M. Harris © 2023-11-30
This poem is in honour of Ben, and is dedicated to anyone who has lost a child. It’s really hard to explain how it feels and so I try the best I can, it’s the only thing I can do. This poem is part of a book on grief I started for Nanowrimo. I didn’t win this year because it was just a bit hard emotionally to do 50k words but if nothing else, it’s cathartic. It’s a start though and that’s the most important thing, putting pen to paper.
Cathi's Place ~ Writing and Creativity Blog! 