All That Should Have Been

Tell me softly what you mean

I don’t know I heard you

Through all the words spoken

The ones unspoken thundered

It isn’t right to be remembering

Stuff I’d long thought buried

Underground.

There’s times (at my age)

Looking back I can’t believe

I can’t see my long ago friend smile anymore

Or hear his voice –

I can’t believe that those rocking chair hours

Are over and

Baby drinks vodka

Though I’m not supposed to know it.

I can’t believe I’m not

That beautiful girl who was too

What?  Shy? Insecure? To realise

How goddamn good I had it

I laugh now thinking back

I realize the missed chances

And wonder do they wonder

Or am I just fanciful

Stupid, doesn’t matter

I’m not that anymore

That was just what

Could have been.

I think of things that

Let me down, so so many

And when I thought oh I can do this

Wait no I can’t I can’t I can’t

And do you ever wish

You’d done something differently

Not done something?

Do you ever dream of

All that should have been?

Ah hell, who knows

The cliche is at my time

I need a red sports car

I’m not old enough for the

Purple hat and thanks for that

I feel like I did when I was 17

The world was just too large

I couldn’t decide there were

Constraints and experts

Quick to tell me all I couldn’t do

I just wish that someone would say

Oh yes you can

And you can

I believe in you.

I’m tired of tears

And goodbyes and just fading away

And trying to forget while

Trying to remember

I’m just tired.

So make me laugh

There’s more than enough to

Make me cry

Make me sing

Make me look forward to everything

Cause damn, there’s so much more

I need to remember

All that can be,

There’s so much more to come.

(c) Catherine M. Harris 13/5/2008