Year End Message December 31, 2023 – Warning, This is a Very Long Essay

Two words:  humbling, sad. That is 2023 for me. This has to be the hardest year end message I’ve ever written.  I’ve been through a lot in my life but there’s nothing yet (and hopefully never again) that tops the horrible reality that was this year. 

It started off okay.  I had a couple of weeks vacation after an incredibly busy year of working long hours.

I remember I was watching tv on the night of Friday, January 13^th, and as I’m a night owl I was still up in the middle of early morning hours of the 14^th.  It was a typical Friday. I’d returned that week from my vacation and was relaxing after being busy catching up.  One thing about it that stands out clearly is that as I was loading the dishwasher, something about a sudden death came on the tv and it reminded me of Russell.  I thought to myself, “the worst thing is when you lose someone suddenly, it’s so hard”. It brought back memories about the time when my dear friend Russell died. That’s what you do when you lose somebody, the pain comes back to you at odd times. The reality is, you never do get over losing someone, you just learn to live with it. When I was done the dishwasher, I put those thoughts aside and continued on with the rest of my evening.

When I woke up, I was told that my son and his father had died in a house fire.  My daughter saw a news posting about a fire at her dad’s place. The police confirmed to her that her brother and father were gone when she called them. I am so very sorry she had to find this out first and call me. The police were on their way to tell me, so I ended the call and got dressed.  My mind was in a whirl, how was it possible?  It didn’t make sense.

The police were kind, we talked a bit about the situation and I got a card for victims’ services.But really, I was in so much shock at this point that I was both thinking clearly and not quite grasping that this had indeed happened.  I looked at the news clip that was shown about it that day, read and re-read the articles that came out in the following days. Cold hard facts with pictures and idiotic comments from strangers underneath.  There were nice things said too, but it’s hard not to focus on the things that hurt because you’re already hurting.  I wish that people nowadays still believed the adage that my mom used to say: “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all”. My generation didn’t always do that nor do the subsequent ones. I’m as guilty at that as anyone when somebody annoys me, though I wouldn’t say nasty things on a comment section when there’s been a tragedy.  I’m not sure what kind of person gets off on that, but I sure wouldn’t want to know them in real life.

So that has been my year.  I am in this liminal surreal place where I’m trying to understand how this could be and at the same time fully aware that it has indeed happened.  When you lose a loved one, especially suddenly and there is no time for emotional preparation, the whole of life becomes seemingly tenuous.  You feel fragile, like one more thing will be what totally breaks you. 

There is a physical component to it as well that’s hard to fathom. For two months every muscle in my body hurt; I had weird pains everywhere. It felt like for a while every brain cell had been blown out and I was functioning somewhat as an automaton.  My memory was gone – I had to write everything down; I’d read and it wouldn’t sink in. Waves of grief would hit me (still does occasionally) when something triggers it and all I wanted to do was curl up in bed and cry myself to sleep.  Then I’d have nightmares of the fire, so that was a not very restful thing to do. Accidental death is a tragedy and for me it felt like a bomb blew up my world, the very fabric of the space-time continuum had been rendered. I wished I could turn back time so I could warn them. 

I can honestly say that the first few weeks are a blur of things we had to do; phone calls and paperwork, while holding closely to those who were with me on this dreadful journey. The fact that we are still dealing with the administrative side of things prolongs the healing, I think.  At nearly the one year mark, it’s not done yet.

I was off work for two months, until I felt I could sort of function and was able to say a few sentences without choking up. My kind and generous coworkers sent me a card and a gift. My kitchen table was full of beautiful flowers.

I had a number of nice messages from people.  It was so difficult telling those who knew them about it before we published the obituaries. We tried not to blindside those who were close to them if they were to see it. I made sure a notice was posted in the Ottawa Citizen and the Toronto Star so that people there would know about it if they read the obits regularly. The people we knew from those days other than those we told, I don’t know if they are aware or not; at least I tried.

I found it a little strange having to say, “I’m sorry to tell you this but…”, when asked how my son was doing not too long ago. I have a feeling that will happen a few more times, and in an odd way I kind of hope it does.  I want people to remember him, to know that he was the kind of person people would ask about if they hadn’t talked to one of us in a while. Sames goes for his father. He was two thirds of my life, a close friend and he blessed me with my children. There were people who didn’t understand our relationship, tried to turn into some adversarial thing that it never was; it doesn’t matter, we understood and that’s all that matters.

I want to know that there are people who think to ask after them.  I do. The saying that you exist so long as people remember you haunts me a little. That’s sort of why I’m so curious about genealogy – these people are the reason I exist, I should know them, warts and all.

It’s strange how death is one of those things that either brings people closer or pushes them away.  I’ve never quite figured that out.  There are times that I’ve felt that my contacting people after something difficult happened to them would be one more thing for them to have to deal with, so I’ll send a message or a card instead.  This definitely is the type of thing that is hard for everyone to talk about. Anyway, that’s the people who know me.

So many kind words were posted at the funeral home site. I really appreciate that.  I spent hours trolling my son’s social media, reading all the things I stayed away from out of respect for his autonomy.  I wish I had known just how good a programmer he was and how involved he was in raku open source developing. He told me a few times about it but I had sort of let go of my computer programming when I moved to New Brunswick. I just didn’t have the time or money to continue with my studies which is something I regret now; I would have liked to have finished that computer science degree. 

Regardless, I will look into raku to see all that he was involved in, and find out what exactly the raku program is for.  It must be worthwhile if he was so interested in it.  He always made me proud that he borrowed my computer science books to teach himself programming, though I could have done without the time he turned all my system fonts into wing dings right before a deadline I had on one of my courses – I couldn’t read my screen and had to figure out how to turn it all back into regular system fonts again.  Still, I was glad he did that rather than having to spend hours at 5 a.m. in a cold rink like many mothers do; I don’t think that would have been fun, I’m a night owl. So was he.

While it seemed to me at first like I’d never be able to work again, I did go back. It was important to me to take time to focus on something else every day. I am doing okay but I am nowhere near whole and may never be again.  I put one foot in front of the other and hope. As time goes by, the good minutes have turned into good hours.  I’m still waiting for entirely good days.  I expect that will happen eventually.

My thick skin is a lot thinner though and people don’t realize that things they say or do can set me back because, why should they? It can happen when I get a redirected piece of mail for my son.  It can be when I have to fill out a form about him or explain.  One person who was frustrated with how long something was taking said to me, “But you were gone for two months!”  I truly hope they didn’t know why I was gone, but regardless, I was in tears for the rest of the afternoon and evening. It will be a while I think before I can just wince and carry on when there’s something said or done that opens this up unexpectedly.

Occasionally I feel like the elephant in the room when I try to mention that I don’t quite have the stamina I did before then the subject gets changed quickly, or oddly, like when I first went back to work – some people wouldn’t look me in the eye. That’s how it is. Healing takes time and treating yourself gently. Until then, it’s still a little raw.

My thought in all of this is if you can’t say something nice or be kind, please just stay away. Being asked about it sometimes feels a bit like entertainment or curiosity instead of concern if I get prodded too much for details that I can’t even comfortably say out loud yet. Or conversely, I’ll overshare stuff that really, who cares but me and I’d rather not make people uncomfortable. Nobody needs to hear me bloviating about stuff when I should be talking about impersonal matters which is something that times of high emotion causes, so I gauge my going places carefully.

What’s happening now though is that new people are entering my sphere who know nothing about this which brings its own set of challenges.  How do I answer how many children I have when my youngest has passed? I say I have two, because he’ll never not be my son, no matter what plane of existence he happens to be on. I will always be his mother.

The business of death is remarkably heartless. It’s expensive and what I really didn’t like was having to talk to people, fill in forms and drive in snow storms on dangerous highways to meet officials like the lawyer, the funeral director, and the police. One place we had to go to days after the fire was across the street from the house, which was still standing with police tape around it because it was considered a crime scene until that was ruled out.

I felt awful for my daughter who had way too much on her hands for the business of her father; as next of kin for my son we were able to split much of this but an adult with bills and accounts is much harder to deal with than a young man just beginning to start his lifepath. I gave her whatever information I could and she shared information she’d learned from friends who’d recently dealt with a loss.  You know you’ve grown up when this kind of paperwork falls on your shoulders.

I don’t know how many times I’ve had to say, “I can’t get that information/give you that/go through their papers, because everything burned in the fire.” I’m glad I wasn’t on the receiving end of a statement like that, but I hate that I had to say it even once. Because really, this isn’t how it’s supposed to be, right? Things like this happen in the news. You never believe that it’ll be you and yours who are the news.  You just don’t.

I’ve learned a lot about grief over the years but this really is the advanced course. I know I need to speak to a therapist someday because when someone close to you dies there is always residual stuff that will remain unresolved.  You have to learn to come to peace with all those memories, and if you’re anything like me you endlessly flog yourself mentally over stupid things said or done that maybe they wouldn’t have remembered anyway, but regardless, there is no resolution ever.  When the day comes that I can actually talk about this without choking up, that is the day I make the appointment.   

This summer we decided to rent a couple of cottages, one on the lake where the kids spent their summers growing up and one by the ocean. We went the week we chose to do the internment of the ashes.  It was a vacation of happy memories, tears and spending time in water which I think cleanses the soul. 

The internment was a very small, private event. We learned that if there’s no service many people won’t go, which is fine, I can see why it would be uncomfortable without one. Neither of them was religious at all and we were doing what was right for them. Something this painful was better off small, we didn’t want strangers, curiosity seekers or people who might say something unkind; it simply wasn’t the time or the place for such things. Our send off was the best we could do under the circumstances and I think it was perfect. All the right people were there.

We decided on a gravestone that suited them. I went to go see it and lay a wreath recently after it was installed.  It looks nice. The house is torn down and we put flowers there a couple of times.  The land will be sold. Three generations lived there, but now it’s time for this one to put down roots where ever it feels right to do so, even if that place is the whole wide world.  As for me, I’m just trying to figure out what the point is of staying in a place with so many sad memories, but we’ll see where I am when it all settles.  My family is so small I could go anywhere really. What does that look like? Who knows. Probably right where I am for now, it’s expensive moving anywhere these days.

Other than that, in December I just had a day and half of no power after heavy rain and high winds knocked it out.  As I started to write this some places in this province still didn’t have it back (it took 6 days to get them all). I was thankful for my woodstove, and the load of wood we got this fall.  I lost most of the food in the fridge but not all – the turkey roll was still frozen solid and the fresh vegetables were fine when the power came back on.  We did have a Christmas dinner, and I lived to tell about it.

This year I’m reminded of two things:  no one is immune to loss, and while I thought such an accident is rare, I see now that it isn’t.  Tragedy is a part of living, the part where hopefully you escape it touching your life; we live with wishful thinking where everyone passes peacefully in their sleep of old age.

Fire it seems is such a part of the zeitgeist that nearly every movie and television program has reference to a house burning if they don’t actually show it. I remember watching one show thinking, oh I should share it, it’s so good, then there’s a scene where people are trying to crawl out of a burning house. So I didn’t. I haven’t stopped watching tv but I remind myself that fiction is fiction and watch those things cautiously. I’m not watching the news as much; I need to focus on more positive things.  I read about the current events in online newspapers instead to keep up to date.

I’m a creative person and while I’ve written a number of poems and a couple of essays about this, I have ideas I can’t do yet.  It still hurts too much.  I’ll know I’m well on my way to being more myself again when I can tackle them.  One thing I did try was Nanowrimo, my annual foray into writing 50,000 words of a work in progress or new.  I was proud of myself for starting something but no, I didn’t finish.  Once again, I chose a subject that was just hard to put to paper, like the fictional work I’ve been writing about a son who discovers his mother has dementia on an annual visit home. 

I started that one before my mom had dementia and then the whole thing became painfully more real because while I’ve been close to a few people with dementia, it’s a different thing when it’s your parent. It’s still not done but it nearly is, so someday soon, I hope.  This year’s attempt is a creative non-fiction book about grief. The different faces of it, my perspective because I’d never want to speak for anyone else in this regard.  I do think that writing about this, like any of the other tough subjects I’ve tackled previously is worth saying. I am not alone in this as much as it feels that way sometimes. We all work through things differently but if I can show people that you know what, other people think these things, or do these things, or react this way, maybe it’s a comfort, you know?

I talk a lot about projects that seem to never get finished but that’s not true, it just takes me longer than some people because I’ve got a lot on my plate still. I truly only get the time and the clear enough head to really make progress when I’m not working so that’s weekends and holidays if I don’t have a million chores already planned. I did submit a chapbook of some of my short stories for consideration, and I still intend to finish putting together that second poetry book, the short story and the essay books.  I have more than enough material for these.

But enough of this navel gazing.  So much went on in the world this year. When the earthquake happened on February 6 in Turkey and Syria where entire families died, I thought: who am I to feel sad when half a world a way entire blocks of apartment buildings became rubble and generations of families were lost? Who am I to feel so hurt when the horror of war is happening all day every day in several places around the world? It’s silly, I know. 

So much happened this year around the world between weather events, wars, and politics gone crazy. There’s way too much division and “us and them” mentality, and I am deeply disturbed at human rights being rolled back because of people putting their own beliefs ahead of the welfare of others. People who look at trying to revive the good old days are forgetting an awful lot that was not so good about society in the past and so much has changed over time it’s simply not possible to go back. 

Denying, hiding or erasing history won’t change the fact that certain events did happen. Avoiding tough subjects for fear of upsetting people is forgetting that life itself is hard, bad things happen, people fall ill and die. Sometimes people are homeless because there are no homes they can afford to live in, not because they’re lazy. Just because someone’s opinions or beliefs aren’t yours don’t make them wrong. Making mundane things political is dangerous and divisive.  We need to support decisions with facts that are based on vetted research, recognizing that an opinion loudly spoken doesn’t make it fact. It just doesn’t.

I still have hope. We just need a little less extremism, a little more compassion.  While history may be ugly, there’s lessons that need to be remembered so that we don’t repeat it. When we swing back from the extremes and settle in the middle, things will calm down.  So please, let’s start the process now.  Let’s make decisions from fact not emotion or rhetoric, take the time to research from places other than social media where algorithms are a feedback loop that highlights the negative. Being on the defensive is exhausting, how about us approaching people with neutrality instead? 

Most people just want to live their lives in peace.  To do so means we need to be peaceful.  Let’s aim for that.  All it takes is a little compassion and a touch of empathy.  Forgiveness helps too.  That last part I admit I’m working on, starting with myself. I also want to remind people that whatever moral compass you live by, whatever religion you follow (or don’t) doesn’t mean that you must force others to live that way too. Let’s try appreciating all the differences in people, the things that make society as a whole richer. 

Remember, while spirituality is an important part of what it means to be human, religions were created by men.  Literally.  That makes any religion fallible and open to interpretation.  It’s a good idea to examine the reasons why religions were created; there is an element of control and cultural mores that, while it was a consistent way of keeping people faithful to church and state, looking at how it fits into your life in this era is wise.  If it dictates that there is an element of keeping secrets, is causing you to turn away from family or shun them because they don’t follow the rules, maybe it’s not that good for you. 

There is no one “right way”, and if you are being told that this way is the only way, perhaps you should follow your heart and your own inner wisdom.  Ask yourself why they would be telling you this. So much atrocity over the centuries has come from tying religion into political aims when the two shouldn’t be combined.  It simply isn’t the right thing to do to force people to follow what you believe simply because you have the power to do so. If it encourages hate, how is that spiritual enlightenment? Let’s listen to our intuition on this. A little bit of critical thinking if someone is encouraging blind faith couldn’t hurt too.

I worry too when people take it so seriously that they are literally biding their time waiting for the reward when they pass on.  That’s not living, it’s existing, and I don’t think we were put on this earth to bide our time waiting for what happens when you die. Life is meant for living.  We should do that as well and as much as we can, whatever form that takes.

My mother to me was the perfect example of spirituality. She was the kindest person I’ve ever known.  She loved her religion (Anglican), and loved to study religion itself and took religious classes at night at a local college when she retired. Her two degrees were for her career, these studies were her heart. She went to Chautauqua every year, and belonged to the King’s Daughters.

My dad was Catholic and, in her words, they were a mixed marriage. That is what it was considered back in the 1950s.  She remained faithful to her religion while she was married, steadfastly not converting then and didn’t for a very long while after they split up though she did eventually. But then she was flexible in her approach to spirituality.

I went to public school, Catholic school, private school, finished grade 13 in night school and correspondence. Whatever worked best for the time was how it was. We sometimes went to Catholic church, mostly Anglican because she was in the choir and it’s where she was most at home. She learned that while Sunday school wasn’t really my cup of tea, singing was.  We were in the choir together for years.  We also shared an interest in Edgar Cayce.  She was very understanding and lived her truth her way, never once trying to force me be anything other than open minded and I am very glad of that.  While I may have turned away from formal religion, mainly because of the hypocrisy that I’ve never been able to reconcile, she always approached it from the spirituality of it, less so the rules. I wish that was how it was taught to everyone.  I really do.

To me, some solutions to the current problems are simple. Don’t like the idea of trans people reading story books?  Don’t go.  If you think abortions or same sex marriage or compassionate death is wrong, then don’t do it. You think a book or a movie or some music or game is horrible and possibly evil and corrupting?  Don’t read, watch, listen or play it. You know what’s right for you. However, if you want to try being inclusive and standing up for others, great. We need more people like that.  What we don’t need is more banning or overturning hard won freedoms because others just don’t agree with it.

The saying that you can’t put the genie back in the bottle is true – we need to be very careful how decisions are made that affect people personally. It’s offensive to think that politics can take precedence over a medical decision between a person and their physician or specialist. It can start there, but where does it end?  Think about that, and if you agree, for the love of all that’s worthwhile – vote! 

I say this because extremists are always in line to vote and that’s how we wind up with parties and leaders who don’t really reflect society as a whole – it’s because the whole of society isn’t showing up. It is so very important now that all people express themselves in the way that is constitutionally given to them.  Being able to vote it a gift.  One that as a woman, I always keep in mind that it wasn’t all that long ago that women weren’t able to. My mother started her career at a time when married women weren’t allowed to stay in their job after they got married.  She didn’t get married until she was 40. By that time, it wasn’t common, but at least she could have a career and be a Mrs. Her older sister got a PhD and became university professor but she remained single.  

I remember when I got married in 1988, we went to set up a joint bank account. This was in Mississauga. The officer insisted that my husband had to sign whenever I wrote a cheque and I was furious. I told them no, I’ve been working for 10 years, I’m the one who’ll be writing most of the cheques and if this really is the rule, take my effing name off the account. I’ll keep using the account that I have.  It took escalating it and husband’s okay to allow me to sign cheques by myself.  Think about that for a minute.  It was because I was a woman.  No other reason.  This kind of thing is what some people are trying to do to women again.  Don’t think it could happen?  Look at Afghanistan. It can and it does if people let it.

Most societal changes don’t happen all at once but in tiny increments, like taking away the power of women and their doctors for her to make her own decisions about her medical care. I personally wouldn’t want some person with no medical training to decide for me, would you? Well, it’s happening in the US right now, a bastion of freedom.  No one is immune.

If you’ve gotten this far in my message, thank you. I appreciate it.  And now I think I will let my missive end here.  I wish you all the best for 2024.

This year please be kind to one another, have respect, and remember the Golden Rule:  do unto others as you would have done unto you.

À la prochaine, Cathi

© Catherine M. Harris, 2023

Predictions for 2024

This is my annual looking ahead exercise that I do for fun. If you want to try it yourself, have a quiet space and clear your mind by meditating.  Then focus on the date December 31, 2024. Consider yourself looking back over the year, like you’re reading a year end summary. 

Here’s what I’ve come up with:

1. Weather extremes again – fire mid-west and west, water in the east & central (thinking wildfires and large storms again this year).  This is across North America and Europe.  It will be exceptionally hot in South America.  Drought in parts of Africa and parts of Asia.
2. Cruise ship run aground with casualties.  It’s very cold so I’m thinking either Alaska or a specialty cruise to Antarctica.
3. More activity in Antarctica for exploration, and some entrepreneurs are looking for resources there not found anywhere else to exploit.  Interesting archeological find will be discovered.
4. The minerals gold and silicone (Jan 1st – correction, silica is the mineral, silicone is made of silica) are going to feature in a unique invention that’s currently being worked on.
5. Mount Saint Helen’s is going to be affecting weather again this year with some minor eruptions.
6. Also look to see more earthquake activity on the west coast, could be a relatively large one in California near San Francisco.
7. Political turmoil continues.  Current wars will continue throughout the year.
8. Girl looking up at the sky – is this another Marian visitation?  Not sure but she seems to be getting messages.  Or maybe it’s the fulfilment of one of the Fatima prophesies?
9. There could be some sort of government funded rent program to help people to be able to afford renting in overpriced markets.
10. The stock market looks like it gets overheated on some commodity then has a correction in its favorite crash time of year, October (or in the fall anyway).
11. There seems to be a high number of deaths of well-known people this year but it’s not anything specific, mostly natural causes it looks like.

What I didn’t pick up on was anything specifically related to elections or names of people which is fine by me.  Anyway, I’ll leave it here.  Try it and see if you come up with anything that comes true, it’s an interesting year end thing to do.

(c) Catherine M. Harris, December 26, 2023

I THINK ABOUT IT

It’s taken me forever

To put my thoughts to paper

And I recognize that these

Are tiny pensive moments

Only

Just for now that’s all

None of it means anything really

‘Cause at the end of the day

Who do these self-serving bits

Of internal musing really touch

It doesn’t matter anyway

It won’t change

A thing.

My soul is still

Aching

Still turning

Still moaning in my sleep

Still torn

Still screaming

Still weeping

Still yearning

Still denying

Still bargaining

Still hoping –

Could there be

Another dimension

Somewhere out there

And I’m actually in some

God forsaken nightmare,

I’m going to wake up

Any minute now?

On my phone there’ll

Be a text

Short and to the point

From son

Something he’d forgotten

To bring home

Bring it to him

It’d say

With the implicit understanding

I’m not to take it as

Reconciliation

No

Mother, no

Someday

But not today

Would that this were true

I’d take it to him

Like I did before

Knowing that’s one tiny

Way of saying

I’m not really

Pushing you away entirely

I’m just being free

Is all.

In this dimension

He is free

Free of everything

Free of me

Free of his worries

Free of fear

Free of wondering what to do next

Free of life itself

Free.

I am deep within recesses

Every second that I’m out there

Pretending I belong

In this world of routine

Of strangers and acquaintances

Of random people and events

Of making money

Of putting one damn foot in front of the other

Like nothing really happened

It’s uncomfortable it seems

To talk about it –

Not for me

‘Cause I feel every emotion still

On the ends of every nerve

Every cell of my body

Feels this pain and

They don’t know

That dealing with predictable

And predictably unpredictable circumstances

Takes everything I’ve got.

I am the elephant in the room

Wanting to trumpet my agony

Stop the world turning

Go back a bit before it all

Imploded

On that cold January night

I know I can’t

But I can dream

Can’t I?

There’s no panacea

No pill

No drink

No song

No words

No place

No food

No nothing

That can take this

Away from me.

Seared into my heart,

I lost my baby.

This is me now that

My baby’s gone.

This is me

Now.

Catherine M. Harris © 2023-11-30

This poem is in honour of Ben, and is dedicated to anyone who has lost a child. It’s really hard to explain how it feels and so I try the best I can, it’s the only thing I can do. This poem is part of a book on grief I started for Nanowrimo. I didn’t win this year because it was just a bit hard emotionally to do 50k words but if nothing else, it’s cathartic. It’s a start though and that’s the most important thing, putting pen to paper.

What Remains

I hold an old photo of you
As a small child, smiling
A whole eternity of life
Ahead of you.
It makes me tear up
How I love that smile.
Some things never change
A smile is one of them.

My phone holds a photo
Of a mock-up of a stone
That marks the details
Of where we put
What remains of our
Hearts – 
What is left of you.

Remains.  They throw
That word around
Like it all makes sense
Like we can take a life
And all it contained
Reduce it to matter 
And molecules, atoms
You become a thing
Like you don’t matter
Or nothing human
At all
All in an instant.

You can use that word
Around me however much
You want.  You can
Transform it to cremains
And talk about internment
Send us bills and reams
Of paper to fill out
But none of this speaks
Of what is my truth.

You are not remains.
What remains are the 
Memories of you,
Your doodles and notes
I can’t throw out
Photos and things
Recorded in atoms
And on our souls,
And all the time ahead
Without you.

That’s what remains. 

© Catherine M. Harris 2023-10-18

Haunted

Haunted by
What could have been
Should have been
Might have been
Won't be

No point in wondering
Any of that
'Cause regardless
Of the when 
Of it all
The end result
That took you in
Is just the same
For the rest of us

There's no 
Changing 
That

So now there's time
Without you
Remembering
Trying to move on
Which is hard
When there's 
No turning back

So it seems 
The way to peace 
Is at the very least
The best 
That I can do
Trying to dream
Staring down
A nightmare
Is just a trifle 
Hard right now

When tomorrow 
Isn't guaranteed
You showed me that
How can we be
So foolish
To think
Otherwise

But we do,
Don't we?

So before then 
I'm going to do
My best
Even if today
It's only
Writing a rather
Sad
Poem.

(c) Catherine M. Harris, 2023-07-20
All rights reserved

I Didn’t Want to Say Goodbye

January 14th, April 5th and 9th, June 29^th, October 16th, November 17^th.  These are dates that give me pause; one of them is also the June 29^th person’s birthday.  I don’t hate them, they are only calendar days after all, it’s what those dates represent. I didn’t want to have to say goodbye to those people.  These are now negative days, ones that I will inevitably find myself just thinking about how much I miss the person or people who died on that day, and right now none more so than January 14^th.

That date was this year, 2023.  When I went to bed in the early morning hours of a Friday night, I had no way of knowing that 100 kilometers away two large pieces of my soul had just died.  I would find out later that day: Saturday January 14^th we learned that the house those souls lived in burned down overnight.  Two bodies were found.  It was in the news.

There was the horrible task of calling me after confirming with the police that this indeed was our family that had died, telling me what happened and letting me know that police were on their way to talk to me. They arrived not too long after, but long enough for me to start wondering why, how did this possibly happen?  How come they didn’t get out?  I’m still wondering that because at the time the fire probably started, they would both likely have still been awake.  The policemen were kind and explained as much they could and left me a card with a number to call if I need victim services.  The reality of it all hadn’t sunk in yet so I did speak to them clearly.

Then I thought about work – I’d have to be off, how long is a question but definitely for the allowed week.  I notified my boss and the person who would have to fill in for me and I put my out of office on.  By this time reality was starting to hit, so the phone number I gave them was gibberish but at least the information in the email wasn’t.

Nobody wants to receive an email like that and my boss called me to let me know they got the message.  It isn’t easy getting news like this and it is difficult certainly for anybody who knows you well but isn’t in your personal sphere; how much do you ask and how much should a person tell?  Anyway, that was work and one thing I knew for sure was that there would be no one week off and trying hard to muddle through after that. This time these losses would blow up my world in ways that would go on forever. One of the two bodies was my former husband who I had been close to for 40 years and who was the father of my two children, the other was my youngest child, my baby. My son.

When something like this happens, time passes in unusual ways and at first you’re sort of lucid as the shock keeps the hurt from sinking in too deeply.  It’s that initial period when between the tears you phone or meet with people to make arrangements and the like. My daughter, son-in-law, spouse and I spent the next week dealing with the various people we needed to immediately, such as the funeral director and notifying whatever we could figure out since we didn’t have the usual paperwork to go on with the fire destroying everything. We divided the tasks of father and son between us; they were living a simple life with little to speak of and so it was figuring out what to do exactly and then doing that which is what we were doing (and still are, two months later).

That’s the administrative end of things.  By far the harder part is the mental and emotional toll that a sudden passing causes.  I won’t speak for my daughter as she has her own story to tell if she wants to.  Mine though, is my own and it is very complicated indeed. 

There are two things that I do want to share:  one is that while my husband and I didn’t work as a couple, we started off as, and always were, friends.

My son and I had been very close until he became upset with me about some things he heard. He didn’t like my explanation and decided to stop talking to me a few short years ago. I kept the door to communication open and was waiting for the day when we could clear the air. All I ever did – as his mother – was with his best interests in mind, even if on the surface it might not have seemed that way. It’s the underlying reasons why I did things the way I did was what he was missing.

However, because I was dealing with adult decisions that as my child he didn’t need to worry about, that bothers me. Probably we would have worked it out in time. The thing is, I’ll never know. That hurts me so much right now, this unfinished business. If there is karma, I hope whoever told that stuff to him is held in some way accountable for the harm those words caused us, and that they learn the power of forgiveness.

Relationships are messy.  They can be glorious, wonderful exaltations of joy, comfortable spaces of love and quiet understanding, whirlwinds of activity, times of despair and even loneliness, compassionate acceptance, places for growth and sometimes, darkness and resignation.  The main element underlying all of that is love.  Whatever else and regardless of how things were in whatever moment there was that.  I will always be grateful that for all of my life, there have always been people who cared and for whom I could care even if that circle of caring was small as it is now, or big as it has been.

Death is unfortunately something I am well acquainted with.  My mother was in her 40s when she had me so from a very young age I was going to funerals for great-aunts and other people, sometimes friends of my mother’s, sometimes relatives I didn’t know I had.  I grew up with tales of people long gone. I thought I had no grandparents until my paternal grandfather was dying and I was introduced to him. 

I learned then of what I think of as our family curse, people getting cut out of the circle.  I’ll never know what the issue was between my dad and his father since they are both gone now. I’m left with one memory of my granddad: he and I sitting at his kitchen table talking.  I don’t remember what we talked about but I do remember that he looked like a smaller version of my dad with a larger nose.  I don’t think that’s how he would have liked to be remembered by his granddaughter. 

The sad thing is the same thing happened with my father and my immediate family.  There were good reasons for my parents to separate – this was a regular event in my life, his moving in and out.  When I was 15 it was the final event, and he was effectively cut off from one side of the family. I listened to him, set some boundaries and told him to treat me like a friend because laying down the law on a 15-year-old me just wasn’t going to cut it.  He agreed and we were very close for the next two decades, with me acting as a kind of middle person between the warring sides. I didn’t like it but it meant something to me that people weren’t told that he was dead when he wasn’t.  Some went so far as to only refer to him as “him,” said in a venom-dripping tone – something I really disliked. 

My mother was a kind soul who never spoke about him like that, thankfully. She was always sad that it finally ended because she was faithful and truly believed her High Anglican teachings that marriage was for life. It was other people who did that. At the time it felt mean to me and the people doing that lost 20 years of his life. There were family members he only met when he was dying and the swords were laid down.  A very familiar modus operandi for us it seems.

I will accept a lot of things. Being mean, rude or disrespectful aren’t included in that acceptance. That’s where I draw the line.

I do believe in looking at as many sides of an issue as you can, in seeing how a difficult person can fit in my life and if it’s too disruptive, how to comfortably deal with that and not cause harm to my immediate family.  I will never avoid someone because of their marital status, legal sexual proclivities (it’s none of my business), sexual orientation, their opinion about abortion access, contraception use and when it’s allowed, beliefs about sex before marriage, race, politics, religion, age, mental state, physical state, drug usage, their fondness for alcohol, gambling habits, spending habits, the list goes on. 

I may not like what someone is doing, it may not be anything I would do myself, but I will never hold it against them unless they are harming people.  But if they ask, and I can help with getting help, I will. It hurts me to think there are people who just can’t be in my life because they are nasty to me or mine.  It also makes me sad that people can be mean to those they should be compassionate to but there’s nothing I can do to change peoples’ opinions of me or any one else.  It has to be them opening their hearts to learn to accept differences in others. If there’s anything that bothers me the most in this life, it’s that. 

I’d rather be alone than tolerate verbal abuse and meanness.  I’ve left jobs and relationships because of that crossed line but all things considered, that’s a pretty low bar.  If I have a wish it’s that people remove societal, religious or personal glasses and look at people for who they are. I like to think they’d be surprised and maybe learn to love someone they didn’t think they could before. 

For me it’s these differences that makes relationships so interesting and broadens my perspective.  That’s a good thing I believe.  Being open to questioning rules and convention is how growth happens.  Rules and convention are meant to fit a certain time and place and it is only right that as changes happen those rules be revised or even tossed out if they are no longer necessary.  It’s for this reason that while I am spiritual, I walked away from organized religion.  Until it shows the compassion that is preached and the followers have empathy for everyone, I consider it to be too hypocritical for my taste.  But that’s me.  Feel free to follow whatever religion (or none) if you choose to, even if it’s the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.  Just don’t force me to follow your rules.  My missing two lived every inch of their lives being themselves no matter what.  I am proud of them for that.

My son and his father didn’t have a religious bone in their bodies.  And that’s fine.  We respect that and we will arrange a celebration of life when the snow has melted and the summer sun has warmed the earth, flowers and trees in full bloom, when life is present. The earth and water won’t take their ashes right now so we heal ourselves and wait.

There’s a lot of waiting right now.  For documents sent to the no longer existing address that’s been forwarded to me or my daughter, depending who the mail is addressed to.  For answers to questions we can’t easily solve.  There’s a lot of cold fact stuff, applications, dealing with banks and various accounts, CRA.  So far the bank has been the worst.  Important information like what the email address associated with the account was so that I’d know which of the several email accounts that I know of for my son was his main one weren’t allowed to be given to me.  I asked for a one-year statement.  No dice.  Privacy act.  Even repeatedly saying, he’s dead and everything went in the fire didn’t phase them. CRA isn’t much better, I wasn’t able to answer the qualifying questions because again, the fire burned everything so I filled in a form, made myself a representative (but can’t link his account yet) and I have no idea what is in his My Account.  So yeah. 

How do you explain to people that this name or number was my son, the child I gave birth to and held in my arms and helped him grow up?  That there is no way possible to say how it feels to lose a child, when he was just starting his adult life, still discovering who he is? You can’t.  But this unknowable feeling is what I am going through right now and it is my life sentence.

For now though my main thing has been processing all of the memories – both good and bad – that suddenly rise up in my mind.  Lovely mommy things, sweet moments of a friendship and a marriage when things were still good, and the flip side, when things didn’t go so well with both them.  Maddening things.  Things that can never be resolved. 

When I go to sleep and if I wake in the middle of the night, I think about the fire, the two of them, what might have happened, how could it be they didn’t just open that big window in my son’s room and jump out….circular thoughts that lead to remembering more moments that were buried and some of the more unpleasant things in our relationships.  I have 9 hour sleeping times when it’s particularly bad, 7 if I’m able to brush it aside and go back to sleep.  Yes, there’s nightmares too.  I have PTSD, have had from before this and here it is, showing itself in all it’s glory. Someday soon I will talk to a professional again to help me deal with it. But for now, I have been spending my time doing whatever it takes to be functional in the world again, to hold conversations without crying, to laugh and make jokes more often.  Slowly the sharpness of the pain is fading and this past week I felt almost normal.

More normal means facing the world again, going back to work, dealing with difficult people, not taking sharp words as daggers but more like annoying pin pricks.  Nothing personal, just business.  Soon.

While I will always have unfinished business with my son, my own I will try to continue.  Paintings, five books, two or three illustrated videos of my work that I’ve been planning, the rest of my life.  One moment at a time, one breath at a time, stretching I hope into happy years.  Hope. 

Hope for myself, hope for my family still here, hope that light will eventually break through the darkness.  My quiet days of coming to grips with the loss and turning into acceptance.  I will never forget, as much as I have never forgotten those gone before.  You never do “get over” such a loss.  It just gets less difficult, and that happens more quickly when the stress isn’t too much.  For me, that’s usually people. I can’t ask people to change, but I can try to be understanding.  I wish the same for you, and –

That if you can’t be loving, at least be kind.

Love is always patient and kind; love is never jealous; love is not boastful or conceited, it is never rude and never seeks its own advantage, it does not take offence or store up grievances.  Love does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but finds its joy in the truth.  It is always ready to make allowances, to trust, to hope and to endure whatever comes.  Love never comes to an end. 1^st Corinthians 13: 4-8

© Catherine M. Harris, March 5, 2023

I Want To Believe

I want to believe that
All of this makes sense
That life in the past tense
Is something I can breathe in
Is somewhere I can feel whole
‘Cause right now most of me
Is missing and there is no way
To fill it because what is missing
Is you.

I want to believe that 
There is a greater purpose 
For this because right now
All of this isn’t how it was
Supposed to be but then
Did I ever know the
Future when the present
Was a question mark
Most of the time
All I know is until now
At least I had you.

These are words telling you
I cannot see tomorrow
But I can see yesterday so clearly
I can almost touch it
Yet I can’t and I
Never will again
Tomorrow you aren’t in it.
Damn.

So let me just remember
For this small instant of time
Before demands of living 
Pull me from my sudden stupor
Grieving as much for what is gone
Than what will not come to be
Most of all I mourn the part of me
That is and was 
All of you.


January 23, 2023 © Catherine M. Harris

I Have No Words

But I have this.

For them.

Cathi’s Comment December 31, 2022

     

I almost didn’t write this, but then thought, why break a thing that’s been going on for ages?  The main reason I didn’t want to is that this year has been a mixture of pretty good, tiresome, very long hours, looking forward and trying hard to not look back.  Confusing right?

I’ve just been very busy with work and trying hard to fit my own life in between.  The good news is the dust is settling a little bit that way and I am back in the physical office one day a week; that’s going to be changing and that’s something to work my life around more going forward I guess.

I did some repairs on the house, fixing a leaking washer drain pipe and the hose as well, and we worked on a small French drain system around a part of the house that leaks into the basement from the slope of the road to the house.  That took most of the summer but it’s done and while I still have some work to do on the inside with patching up between cinder blocks in a couple of areas, the main concern seems to be dry. 

The van, 13 years old this year proved to be a little too finicky to my taste so that became a pretty decent trade in for a Nissan.  I can safely say that car technology has changed a lot in the last 13 years and we’re still learning all the features but so far it’s a pretty good vehicle, and I find it much easier to park since it’s an SUV instead of a large van.  I am so grateful that this year I could actually replace that van.  It wasn’t long ago that I couldn’t afford to fix the van and rent a car to drive for the two weeks it was being repaired.  So I am appreciative for this little interlude of being able to fix things, replace things and pay off things because I know these periods of stability tend to be fleeting.  I hope the next reason will be because I can finally feel comfortable retiring for good but I’m also a realist, life has a way of throwing monkey wrenches when you feel at ease so I’m enjoying each good day while they last.

I didn’t do nearly the amount of writing and painting I had planned at this time last year, but on the up side, I’ve managed to read more books than last year and I am working on two more paintings.  One is an oil painting, the other (still in sketch on canvas stage) will be acrylic and they will indeed get finished in 2023.  That I promise.

My books sadly haven’t progressed much, I need to be in the right mind space, however I did write some poetry so that’s okay.  I will get going on these soon, I just don’t want to pressure myself into finishing because creative works need to come freely otherwise they seem forced.

A highlight this year was showing Jim PEI.  I didn’t get to swim in the ocean because it was raining but it was a pleasure visiting the island of some of my ancestors again and seeing the Van Gogh interactive exhibit which was good but also a little weird being in a room of people after 2 years of covid restrictions.  Still, it was fun and we loved it.  Next year maybe Nova Scotia coming back through PEI?  We’ll see.

2022 was such a volatile year in the world view that I don’t want to focus on that and at the same time I’d be remiss not saying anything.  So let me just say this:  to the people of Ukraine, my heart goes out to you.  I truly wish that 2023 is the year that you realize your dreams of regaining peace and sovereignty.  The death of Queen Elizabeth, while not a total surprize was very much the end of an era and for me brought back a lot of memories of my mom who was of the same age range as the Queen.  Where the royal family goes from here is hard to say but I’m thinking they have got to be more in touch with how people are today if they want to remain relevant going forward. 

In world affairs there’s just too much division and the back pedaling of human rights is especially worrisome.  Speak up.  Loudly.  Please don’t let the gradual erosion of human rights and the politicization of practically everything spread any more.  It’s dangerous and we will see more war breaking out if this continues.  So let’s dial back the mean and find a bit of heart if you can, and I know you can.  We all can.  We need to.  I’m serious about this.  The middle ground is very wide and it doesn’t take much for people on the edges to just step sideways a little and listen to something other than their own beliefs.  When politics or religion come to a point that they are pushing away the people closest to you, maybe take a beat and consider that there might not be one “right” way of being.  How about we make 2023 the year we celebrate each other’s differences, coming together in common ground because somewhere in that is where the truth that suits most of us lies.  And that’s where we should be, not trying to shoe horn people into what just may not be the answer for them. 

Equally worrisome for me is going backwards where progress has been made at a societal level, regardless of the reason why changes were made, temporary or not, it doesn’t matter.  If something works now that didn’t before why not keep it and move on in that direction?  It’s called growth.  I am concerned that at a time of labour shortages and high costs of everything, removing flexibility in living our lives will force people to make decisions about their lives – from having to move back from affordable places to high cost places to be on the job, to (mostly) women having to choose between their career or staying home because childcare isn’t as available as it once was and adds a huge cost to people who may just be making it with mom working from home – this same scenario goes for people caring for disabled or elderly family members.  What worked before covid just might not fly now and I do hope that businesses see that.  Empty office buildings can be turned into affordable downtown housing, remote work expands the work force for many occupations, people not crammed into public transportation twice a day five days a week are likely going to be healthier…the list goes on.  Let’s not lose sight of what could be by trying to erase the past of couple of years, time goes forward not back.  Please let’s remember that.

I want to end this message on a happy note so let me say this:  I have faith in the goodness of people, of the resilience and the kindness of people.  Let’s make 2023 the year we stop giving oxygen to people who are trying to drag us down.  The majority (and we are) deserve better.  Let’s make this the year we turn the darkness of 2022 around and show what light we can bring to each other.  It starts with compassion, and that starts with you and with me.

Happy New Year, à la prochaine,

Cathi

Predictions for 2023

Continuing in what I guess is now my tradition of posting predictions at the end of the year, I’m going to start with the process.  Basically what I do is get in a relaxed meditative state.  This includes candles lit for ambiance, quiet (that’s essential, I use earplugs), a burning stick of incense (whichever scent suits my mood at the moment).  I concentrate on breathing and clearing my mind.  Then I think about Dec. 31, 2023 and what news I’ve seen and read over 2023.  That’s it.  Anybody can do it – feel free to try.  It may just be flight of imagination or it could be intuition or psychic skills.  Regardless, even if I’m way off, it is can be enlightening trying to picture what a year from now will look like.

And now I’m going to say that I hope that this year’s rather darker glimpses are me being worried about how things are right now, I am an optimist at heart so this time I hope I’m mostly wrong.  As always I say to take this with a boulder of salt, I do not claim for this to be anything other than an exercise. 

The fun thing about it is that sometimes what I see actually does happen.  If you want to check and see the previous years they are on this site’s Predictions page.  I don’t update them after I post unless it’s immediately after for a missed spelling mistake and the most recent edit date is shown at the end of the post. The numbers on these are not in particular rank, it’s just how the thoughts come to me.

1. Accident to a royal family member – looks like self-inflicted car crash due to drinking to excess – Andrew?
2. Mid-year – Camilla may need some serious medical care.
3. Volcanic activity and earthquakes ramping up as part of a longer earth change cycle.
4. Difficult times ahead financially for many people.    Even the super-wealthy will have some concerns about the availability of certain foods.  Part of the problem is weather, and also war.
5. Ukraine continues to fight.  Will eventually be successful at staying independent but it’s not without more loss unfortunately.
6. Putin’s days as leader are numbered.  The public is waking up to the reality that they are pawns in a game they don’t necessarily want to be a part of anymore.
7. There will be many more riots and social unrest across the globe.  The more that leaders try to put a thumb on their people and keep them in line while taking many things they need to survive, be it human rights or social safety nets, people have had enough.  This will be happening everywhere in the world.
8. In countries where socialism is touted as a dirty word there are people saying that people need to care about one another and it can’t be without a common good way of thinking in government too.  A lot of the selfishness that bloomed in the 1980s onward is fading away as greed is not sustainable.  Ultimately there will be new ways of governing that includes social safety nets – the public will demand them.  This is following some very hard lessons related to a depression, weather, and economic faltering.
9. Banking systems, credit systems also will be called upon to do less gouging and be more responsible in how they treat their customers.
10. Utilities (and internet will be considered a utility soon if not in 2023) there is a push to mandate utilities be accessible for all – too many people are losing their lives with no electricity or running water in a last-ditch attempt to pay for rising food costs.
11. As the cost of living goes up, house prices will fall because rising mortgage rates and food and utility prices with salaries not keeping pace force many to give up their houses.  This easing of the housing market will cause house prices to fall to more reasonable rates.  Part of it is that the wealthy investors buying real estate just to make a profit will start unloading those house/condos/land, especially foreign owners as financial markets tighten.  In the long run it’s good because eventually people will be able to have the dream of home ownership as a routine thing again but not without a lot of financial dumping from wealthy people.
12. More countries will enact taxes on super wealthy people – the countries need it and there will be fewer tax havens and breaks.
13. Trump will be charged with more legal charges however his health remains an issue – he many not be able to stand trial in the fall (which it looks like he will have to appear for some of the many things he’s about to be charged with).
14. Disease remains an issue as the pandemic continues with different strains being created.  So the push to get rid of telework that seems to be gaining ground will need to be rethought and the cost of maintaining all the real estate for offices becomes harder to justify even to those who have been demanding a back to normal approach.  The problem is that things aren’t normal and they never will be normal as it was before the pandemic again.  It can’t be.  For one thing workers who can’t afford to go into work and all the associated costs may give up their jobs for something else, even to live off the land.
15. Communal living that is self-sustaining is making a comeback as an idea, similar to the 60s communes but more because people realize that it may be better just to try to live off the land and generate their own utilities.  People can be educated anywhere now as long as there’s internet so this idea of not being “owned” so to speak is gaining ground. We’ll see more of this idea coming to the foreground by fall of 2023 as trust in governments, banking systems, etc., falls.  People are beginning to think they can do it better based on their own beliefs.
16. The division in society, however much distained by most middle ground people persists and this could well lead to civil war in places you’d never think it would happen.  The definition of democracy itself is changing.  It will be some time before a modern version that fits the reality of the 2000s comes into a clearer focus so the divisions become more entrenched.  It may feel like people can say nothing right for fear of offending one side or the other so the middle majority who simply want to keep the peace will stay silent and look quietly for ways to bring all the sides to understand the meaning of consensus and common ground.
17. It’s not all doom and gloom.  There are some break throughs in energy generation and in health care that will bring a bright light.  Cancer vaccines, home power generation that is affordable, home gardening, all these things make life a little better.
18. People are looking more at ways to obtain goods and services without traditional banks and credit, will stay away from things like crypto and will consider better ways to pay like bartering or communal living or even community gardens and the like – updated to 21^st century ways.
19. Religion is losing more followers as it appears to perpetuate cruelty and divisions and so many people are tired of that.  Uprisings will continue in Iran and there will be more like it elsewhere where religion or ideology are turning people to be willing to fight for human rights and freedom over oppression for a collective reason.  China, North Korea, Afghanistan, none of these places are immune from the uprisings.  With economic and weather disasters comes the need to be able to live their lives the best they can – all people, not just some.
20. In times of difficulty is when beauty in the form of art, literature, music blossoms. 2023 will see a lot of new and wonderful artists worldwide expressing themselves.
21. It’s important to remember that what we are going through now worldwide is growing pains towards the next way of being. There is a lot that should go by the wayside and that’s the thing.  Eventually the dust will settle as it must do.  So in the meantime people will continue to hope and to strive towards a better way because we have to, it’s what keeps happening throughout history.
22. Focus on forgiveness – a trend that will be gaining momentum throughout the year as people try to bring back some peace and stability.
23. In Canada the summer will be hot and drier than the previous year – wildfires in the west and central regions, more hurricanes on the east coast than last year with stretches of dry weather in between.  A moderate earthquake in Eastern Ontario/Western Quebec will make news around June it looks like.

Here we are, and remember this is an exercise, so please, try this yourself and see what you get.

Catherine M. Harris © Dec. 26, 2022.